Just a shoutout to you bar-hoppers visiting my neighborhood. I know it's fun being downtown and all, and you want to have a fun, cuh-razy night. I want you to have a good time, too, even though we might have different ideas on the matter. But I've been living down here for a couple years now and noticed a few things, so please consider a few universal tips from me to you.
Consider a different outing if:
• you don't have a designated driver
• your 21st birthday party involves a "party bus" you and your 15 friends cannot pay for (oh my GOD)
• you and your girlfriend are about to break up
• you or your friends are emotionally volatile, angry, or violent after a few drinks
• you like to spontaneously scream, howl, etc. up and down a street where people live
• you are quick to get into arguments and physical fights
Honestly, at this point, I'm really tired of waking up at 12, 2, and 4 a.m. with the police on speed-dial, trying to discern if you're either having a good time or about to kill someone. I also think it's sad that a legitimately concerned neighbor is expected to either not live downtown, or just become jaded. (See
Kitty Genovese.) At this point, however, I need my fucking sleep, so I'm taking tranquilizers and leaving the rest up to you. Please take responsibility for your alcohol consumption and other choices – because if you are actually screaming because you've been stabbed, etc., you and your peers have cried wolf too many times, and I'm too exhausted to actually do anything about it.
And if you are downtown, or anywhere, and you see something going down, just call 911. Please. Even if you're downtown, that's not "normal" or acceptable. We appreciate it.
Love,
Your Friend on West Burnside